A tough couple of weeks here. I got sick after my last swim which was Tuesday, the 16th. Still congested and have laryngitis. (My kids are happy I can't yell :) So when my exercise flagged so did my eating.
I've been going through some emotional stuff which was catalyzed by the same book mentioned last time. Basically, what can a Christian expect from non-Christian parents? Are they capable of real love? Do I have a "right" to feel rejected and inadequate because of the way they treated me? Being 44 years old now I have to think that all that is past, and it is childish to dwell on things that happened so long ago.
Also there is no way to reconcile with my parents at this point. My mother has been dead for 32 years, and my father is no longer mentally able to understand. Looking back I can remember my older siblings having similar feelings at this stage of life. They confronted our dad, and when there was no heart-felt repentance offered, they turned their backs on him.
How does all this affect my weight issues? Should it at all or should I be past it? Am I looking for someone to blame? Honestly, I have to say no. I don't want to blame anyone. What I'm after is truly knowing myself and what motivates me to think and act the way I do.
If you have any insights, feel free to leave them here.
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. I know it's tempting to do the "all or nothing" thinking, with regards to exercise and eating. They are linked in a way.
ReplyDeleteBut still, I am in the same boat, temporarily. I find if I don't do exercise, I either stay the same or gain, even if food is fairly good. So I've lowered my expectations for awhile. I"m still trying not to eat out of emotion, and doing only fair. But I remember in the past when it would have been a free for all! So.. progress.
I remember going through Dr Phil's book, Self Matters. And learning about living authentically, and making peace with our past.
One thing always stuck with me: all this "info" I was digging up was not for blame, but for understanding. It really helped me make peace about it. And accept that they did the best they knew how. Mistakes were made, but in this case, I know they weren't made on purpose. I've forgiven them, and use the information to help me understand ME better.
But let me tell ya... it was HARD going through that book. I know I cried a LOT. But I had to dig and face it, deal with it, and get resolution. I didn't do that WITH them. I did it within me.
It really is hard work doing all that, but there is a peace that comes after putting it to rest. I wasn't burying it under a rug, or ignoring it, etc. But it feels resolved. (and on days when it doesn't "feel" that way, I remind myself that forgiveness is a choice).
I hope you feel better soon. And I don't think it's childish at all to want to deal with something that still bothers you. In fact, it is courageous to face it.
We have a "right" to feel any way we want... I believe feelings were invented by God to give us information. Some of that is good and fun... some is painful. But it's still a clue to what we are believing... a window to seeing what is our own personal truth.
Sometimes my feelings are squirrelly, and I need to get to the bottom of it, and maybe fix some messed up beliefs, since feelings are the outgrowth of what we think and believe.
I hope you feel better soon... and take care of yourself! Even if you go at a gentle pace, and are patient with yourself, that would be a healthy choice and contribute to feeling better faster.
Hugs,
Loretta
=^..^=
(((((HUGS))))) to you, Millie.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays always bring up all sorts of feelings toward family, and all of it is not good for everyone. There is a lot of anxiousness- who will I see? how will I behave when I see that person? will I hide what I've been thinking? will I finally confront that person? are there people or conversations I will avoid? will I feel guilty about the confrontations, or the lack of confrontation? It's like the daily struggles that we deal with are multiplied by all the "togetherness" (or lack of, as the case may be).
I am right with you in dealing with issues through food. It's as if I would rather self-destruct than to face my feelings. All the hard work we do trying to overcome these burdens that LITERALLY " weigh us down" is undone in these weak moments when we feel there will be no resolution. Really, we need to face that there will never be one.
Is there anything that your mother or father could have really said that could have made that past behavior "okay?" Would it have just made you feel better to let them know that all of your lifetime misery is because of them? Would "rubbing it in" have caused them to take accountability for it? We have to ask ourselves, do we want this because, now, we hope to have this wonderful, blossoming relationship with these people, or do we just want to make them miserable for retaliation, for pure spite.
There is this feeling of "lost opportunity" when we no longer even have the option for confrontation. There is also the guilt of even wanting to have it. I know it is something I have struggled with since my mother's death this past year. For as much as I have grieved for her, I have alternated between- feeling angry with myself for having never told her that I was angry with her (for not protecting me during the time I was molested as a child) and- feeling guilty that I would have even thought that I needed to bring up things from so far in the past, something that wasn't even her fault, but for which I am trying to assign misplaced blame.
I know one thing for sure. It is hard to deal with these issues in your mind, and then make a conscious effort to eat healthy and exercise. It's like we are trying to make the outside match the inside... because we feel ugly.
You're not an ugly person because you feel, Millie. You are are a beautiful person. Just from my personal experience, you have been a longtime friend to people you haven't even met. You have prayed for and encouraged people when they have needed it most, even when you needed that yourself and weren't getting it in return.
It's time to turn those things over to God which are too big for you, and you deal with the things you can do, like making a choice each day to take care of yourself.
You can do it!
Love,
Stef
@Loretta,
ReplyDeleteI love the way everything you write feels like I'm reading a really useful book. You always have something insightful to contribute. I envy you that.
I haven't read Self Matters, but it sounds like an investment I ought to make - I mean emotionally. Maybe it will yield good (albeit painful) fruit in my life too.
More later...family emergency
Healing past wounds is a life journey. What you are doing, trying to understand why you do what you do as it relates to your past will help you to heal. It IS about taking care of yourself. You are worth it, too. I, too, had a traumatic youth, and my way of dealing with it was to eat. As I have come to love and respect myself for my own worth, I have begun to heal. You will, too. Stay strong and keep moving forward. Michele
ReplyDeleteI hope everything is okay with you, Millie, and that your lack of posting means you have been busy with the holiday hussle and bussle. I know I am one to talk- but this is unlike you. Be strong! Love and prayers, Stef
ReplyDeleteStef, I love what you wrote!!! I need to go back and ponder each thing you said. It was so valuable. Yes, things have gotten a little nuts around here,but I'd like to email you about what I've been thinking. So look out for that! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sending up the flare. ;) You are so considerate and supportive.